A Divided Spirit, Part XII
(Continued from Part XI)
I noticed that when dealing with confrontation, my reaction depends on the, uh, circumstance... In the workplace, at school, basically any public place, my natural reaction is of calm diplomacy.
Years in HR and Management will do that to ya.
But in my personal life... the ghetto biatch in me creeps out without any warning whatsoever. You can take a girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl - that's for sure!
So... when I finally figured out who was on the other end of the line, giving my mother a good scolding...
Can you imagine how I reacted?
She had accused my mom of not being excited for them when they announced their engagement. My mom wanted to clear the slate. Start fresh. She was tired of the games, pretending everything was alright when it wasn't. She wanted a new beginning with her soon-to be daughter-in-law. But my sister-in-law didn't appreciate the effort... she had wanted the traditional exclaim of congratulations and hugs - minus the honesty.
She had accused my mom of not being excited for them when they got married. Is that why my mom is the one who paid for their reception? When not one person from their side pitched in a single cent?
She had accused my mom of not being excited for them when they announced the pregnancy. Did she know that we were shocked from the news? Mostly because my brother had been declared unable to biologically father any children?
She had accused my mom of not being supportive during her pregnancy, not caring about her being sick and nauseous all the time. Is that why, when she called my parents, claiming an "emergency" - my parents drove her around town for Taco Bell because she wasn't in the mood to eat the food she had at home? Why my mom would select restaurants to dine in that she had seen her daughter-in-law eat at without any problems?
She had accused my mom of not initiating calls over the last few months of the pregnancy. Did she forget all the times my mom had called, inviting them out to dinner? All the meals my mom treated them to, not to mention the food she'd send home - and gifts as well?
All I know is, when I figured out what was going on - I tried to snatch the phone from my mom, but she wasn't having it. Damnit! After a couple minutes of torture - she finally handed me the phone.
"Hello. Hello?!"
I literally repeated her name a dozen times over before SIL finally realized it was me on the phone (and not my mom)... and the change in her voice, in her tone... was...
Electric. Immediate.
I took charge of the situation, and Miss Diplomacy stepped in.
Looking back, though, part of me wishes it was that ghetto girl from the hood who emerged... a lot of good it did me, handling it professionally, talking to her calmly, letting her know that I've looked at this... ongoing issue... from all angles, including hers, and that part of me can understand why she is the way she is.
But how?
I give her similar examples from my own personal life, and show her how we both can find ways to rise above. I relate. I empathize.
I try to understand where she's coming from. I try to help her understand where we're coming from. I even talked to my brother on the same phone call, and he was calm. Loving. Appreciative. After hours on the phone, we decide to give it some time - let everyone process what just happened... and we hang up peacefully.
But you know what my problem was? I was so hung up, trying to make peace between all of us, I forgot to stand up for my mother. The first thing I SHOULD have said...
Was that it's not okay to talk to your mother-in-law like that.
Regardless, it was almost an entirely wasted effort. That's what it seems to be, when you're trying SO hard to bridge the gaps - and the next day, your brother calls you - in a TOTALLY different attitude than the one he had the night before - refusing to tell his wife to apologize because she did NOTHING wrong. And that I need to "step off and let Mama and his wife go at it."
What was it that he had said to me...?
"Diplomacy is nice and everything, but it doesn't get anything done. They need to talk. They need to yell. They need to get all their feelings out there - and YOU need to make sure you don't interrupt.... Do. YOU. UNDERSTAND?"
And a slow, rumbling growl rushed out behind the choice words I gave to my little brother.
(To be continued...)
Technorati Tags: divided, spirit, family, drama, brother, sister, mother, sister-in-law, relationships
A DIVIDED SPIRIT ~ The Series
-A Divided Spirit is Born
-Part I: The Overdue Confrontation
-Part II: The Ace Up His Sleeves
-Part III: Still Lost
-Part IV: “If You’re Too Nice, They’ll Walk All Over You”
-Part V: To Call, or Not To Call
-Part VI: The First Betrayal
-Part VII: True Colors
-Part VIII: Skipping Christmas
-Part IX: Bargaining Chip
-Part X: Ostracized
-Part XI: Who's Possessed Now?
(Continued from Part XI)
I noticed that when dealing with confrontation, my reaction depends on the, uh, circumstance... In the workplace, at school, basically any public place, my natural reaction is of calm diplomacy.
Years in HR and Management will do that to ya.
But in my personal life... the ghetto biatch in me creeps out without any warning whatsoever. You can take a girl out of the ghetto, but you can't take the ghetto out of the girl - that's for sure!
So... when I finally figured out who was on the other end of the line, giving my mother a good scolding...
Can you imagine how I reacted?
She had accused my mom of not being excited for them when they announced their engagement. My mom wanted to clear the slate. Start fresh. She was tired of the games, pretending everything was alright when it wasn't. She wanted a new beginning with her soon-to be daughter-in-law. But my sister-in-law didn't appreciate the effort... she had wanted the traditional exclaim of congratulations and hugs - minus the honesty.
She had accused my mom of not being excited for them when they got married. Is that why my mom is the one who paid for their reception? When not one person from their side pitched in a single cent?
She had accused my mom of not being excited for them when they announced the pregnancy. Did she know that we were shocked from the news? Mostly because my brother had been declared unable to biologically father any children?
She had accused my mom of not being supportive during her pregnancy, not caring about her being sick and nauseous all the time. Is that why, when she called my parents, claiming an "emergency" - my parents drove her around town for Taco Bell because she wasn't in the mood to eat the food she had at home? Why my mom would select restaurants to dine in that she had seen her daughter-in-law eat at without any problems?
She had accused my mom of not initiating calls over the last few months of the pregnancy. Did she forget all the times my mom had called, inviting them out to dinner? All the meals my mom treated them to, not to mention the food she'd send home - and gifts as well?
All I know is, when I figured out what was going on - I tried to snatch the phone from my mom, but she wasn't having it. Damnit! After a couple minutes of torture - she finally handed me the phone.
"Hello. Hello?!"
I literally repeated her name a dozen times over before SIL finally realized it was me on the phone (and not my mom)... and the change in her voice, in her tone... was...
Electric. Immediate.
I took charge of the situation, and Miss Diplomacy stepped in.
Looking back, though, part of me wishes it was that ghetto girl from the hood who emerged... a lot of good it did me, handling it professionally, talking to her calmly, letting her know that I've looked at this... ongoing issue... from all angles, including hers, and that part of me can understand why she is the way she is.
But how?
I give her similar examples from my own personal life, and show her how we both can find ways to rise above. I relate. I empathize.
I try to understand where she's coming from. I try to help her understand where we're coming from. I even talked to my brother on the same phone call, and he was calm. Loving. Appreciative. After hours on the phone, we decide to give it some time - let everyone process what just happened... and we hang up peacefully.
But you know what my problem was? I was so hung up, trying to make peace between all of us, I forgot to stand up for my mother. The first thing I SHOULD have said...
Was that it's not okay to talk to your mother-in-law like that.
Regardless, it was almost an entirely wasted effort. That's what it seems to be, when you're trying SO hard to bridge the gaps - and the next day, your brother calls you - in a TOTALLY different attitude than the one he had the night before - refusing to tell his wife to apologize because she did NOTHING wrong. And that I need to "step off and let Mama and his wife go at it."
What was it that he had said to me...?
"Diplomacy is nice and everything, but it doesn't get anything done. They need to talk. They need to yell. They need to get all their feelings out there - and YOU need to make sure you don't interrupt.... Do. YOU. UNDERSTAND?"
And a slow, rumbling growl rushed out behind the choice words I gave to my little brother.
(To be continued...)
Technorati Tags: divided, spirit, family, drama, brother, sister, mother, sister-in-law, relationshipsA DIVIDED SPIRIT ~ The Series
-A Divided Spirit is Born
-Part I: The Overdue Confrontation
-Part II: The Ace Up His Sleeves
-Part III: Still Lost
-Part IV: “If You’re Too Nice, They’ll Walk All Over You”
-Part V: To Call, or Not To Call
-Part VI: The First Betrayal
-Part VII: True Colors
-Part VIII: Skipping Christmas
-Part IX: Bargaining Chip
-Part X: Ostracized
-Part XI: Who's Possessed Now?
