A Divided Spirit is Born

MammaDawg at 9:41 AM

Some of you have heard me go off before - maybe about some smartass teenagers complaining about me and my toddler, or if the Hubz has decided, once again, to push me to my limits. And some of you have heard me hinting about some family trouble with my brother...

So, I think... I might finally go there. Take a chance and blog about it. Your support and comments were huge in helping me come to this decision. But the big question was: Where to start?

And then it came to me: "A Sister's Heart"

It's a little something I wrote two months after I first started blogging in January. But you know what bothers me most?

Not that he's been brainwashed. Not that he no longer has a mind of his own. Not that he can snub me or be disrespectful to me.

But in all that... and in all that he's put our mom through... in all that she's done for him, sacrificed for him...

That he can treat her... like THIS.

A close second would be the look on my 14-year old's face when I told him his Ninong (Godfather) didn't wish to see us.

I really don't give a shit if people want to mess with me, talk shit about me, whatever. I can handle it.

But if someone wants to talk shit about my husband.... or if someone fucks with my kids... or tries to play my mom? *draws breath* No... it's NOT alright. All they've done is let out the leash I have on the protective tiger inside of me.

When we were in junior high, my lil' bro and me would take the bus. A year apart, we weren't very close, didn't sit together or anything. But one of the school bullies would mess with him, pick on him. She was older, and bigger, than both of us.

Somebody warned her, "Hey, be careful... That's Dette's brother."

She snorted. "So?"

The next day, she thought she'd get her kicks with him again. Except this time, I happened to be right there.

No, we didn't get into any fist fights, but I'll tell you what: She never messed with either of us after that.

But now, it's my children I need to protect from my brother's disdain and ignorance.

While it's every bit a part of me as the everyday cussing and the casual air about me, the tone with the family drama is different than what I've set for this haven of mine. I'm thinkin'... once a week, max?

But I do want to remain whole in revealing all sides. Which, of course, all depends on the circumstance.

Casual and friendly, professional and efficient, ghetto and unorthodox, or direct and aggressive if need be.

"MammaDawg" isn't a character I created or someone I aim to be. The very definition of it actually fits me to the tee. And I'll tell you what - if I blog about it online, I'll talk about if offline, as well.

I've spent too much of my life behind a mask, a smile on my face to hide the truth of my pain. It's etched into my skin, a permanent reminder of the hardships I've overcome.

All of a different source of trouble than the one I'm about to tell you about.

But that there, is a whole other story. And if I ever get to the point in my life where I can share that one, then you'll know I'm not lying when I tell you that my childhood was stolen from me at the age of 5.

This.
Is.
Me.

I hope you'll still be here come Thursday to join me when I launch Part 1 of "A Divided Spirit."

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